This must be it!

In the last session with my support group on Wednesday I did have a couple of "light bulb moments". Some of the things seem like an obvious kind of thing, which you never think about...

For instance, I never made the connection between body dissatisfaction and self-esteem issues. Hm.. seems like an obvious kind of thing, but I never thought that it applies to me. Here's the paragraph from the handouts that made it clear for me:

"Many people take some degree of body dissatisfaction in stride, so it doesn't have a major impact on their lives. For people with an eating.disorder, it is a different story. Feeling badly about your body plays a central role in your life and crowds out other interests and activities. Why is body image much more important to some people than it is to others? One big factor to determining the importance of your body image, as you have probably guessed, is your self-esteem. If you feel good or worthwhile about yourself overall, you will be less concerned with negative feelings that you may have about your body because your body does not define who you are as a person."

This makes so much sense to me! I've always suspected that the obsession that I have with loosing weight is not how all people deal with their dissatisfaction of their body. I have some friends that are overweight, but are very confident in themselves, and never talk about 'dieting', or weight-related issues, even though they are much more overweight than I am. And I don't think of them less because of their weight, but somehow I do that towards myself.

It is really hard to admit that you have self-esteem issues. It is especially hard to explain to your significant other, since they see you totally differently. That's why I'm glad I'm going somewhere else to talk about these issues, because I don't want to talk about this with my DH (of course I'm affraid that he will see me differently then too... I know, it's probably silly).

They also say that feeling badly about your body or wanting to lose weight is usually never just about your body, there are probably other issues involved. The challenge, of course, is to figure out what they are... As our councilor said, for someone who was, for example, abused. as a child, focusing on their body could be a way that they are dealing with it. But, for me, I don't see any major traumas that I had... although, I never really looked close at the past... that is why I need someone to help me to figure out what influenced my behaviour, and what I will work for me to fix it.

I have to say, all of my family members that know that I've started doing this therapy thing think that I don't have a problem, and I shouldn't be doing this. But I think I should, since I'm recognizing a lot of things that are talked about in the support group... and there are so many things to think about! I bought a brand new journal to record my feelings/thoughts, so hopefully that will help me as well.

It's raining... yay!

No, I'm not actually happy about the rain per se, but I'm happy it's getting warmer and I can smell the spring in the air! (any other time I actually hate rain).

So I've been feeling quite happy lately. You know, the kind of quiet 'happy' feeling, when you're just smiling to yourself, and everything in your life is going okay... Like on Monday I've tried to "throw" a pot (a funny expression in ceramics world used for building a pot using the wheel... you know, like in the movie "Ghost"?). I've made two small bowls, and it was hard, but rewarding. I don't know why, but I felt so good afterwards. Like I've acomplished something important (it was my first time, mind you).

It must be spring.

Although getting up in the morning is a bit of a challenge since the time change on Sunday, but I've been doing great so far. I've made it to the gym on Monday and today, and I've walked everyday to work.

I've decided not to weigh myself anymore. It just sets of the cycle of "oh, I'm doing so good I can't screw it up now," and "oh crap, now I've scewed up!". I'm trying to just feel and look. And feel good about myself. It's hard; getting on the scale was so much easier. But I will not let it control my self-worth anymore. I keep telling myself - if I do some physical activity every day, my four days a week of weights, and eat as well as I can - it cannot get that bad!

I also find the support group (eating disorders) quite helpfull. I feel that my feelings towards food are valid, the love and hate relationship and such... I'm not the only one. I can talk about my weird ways without people judging me. I know that I don't have a full-blown e.d., but it's not a competition of who's sicker... lol I actually find the meetings to be quite similar to meetings at WW, only we talk much more in depth about our feelings towards food, coping strategies and really trying to understand why we eat the way we eat. I know "how" to eat healthy, but it's the will that's lacking sometimes. I need to understand why. Why does a seemingly rational and healthy eater continue to eat after they are full? Questions like this I need the answers to.

So all in all, I'm doing okay. :)

Singles?

I'm talking about chocolate of course... what else? Lately there seems to be an abundance of chocolate bars in a"single" serving format that is usually about 100cal.

The conclusion that I came to today - don't buy the pack, it's not worth it! After eating three (3!) Kit-kat singles, I'm vowing not to buy anymore packs of these. What works for me is going to the convenience store and buying ONE. I'm not great at controlling myself when it comes to food (well, obviously...), especially chocolate.

Lesson learned.

Happy 8th of March!

To all the women in the blogosphere!

If you don't know - it's International Women's Day. As always, I'm surprised that many people in Canada don't celebrate it, and even don't know about it.

It's a very big holiday in Eastern Europe. I remember when I was little, I used to always make a card for my Mom, and my Dad would give a little something (like a flower) to me and my sister. That's a customary gift - flowers and a card.

On my purse this morning I found a card from my DH. So thoughtful, I *heart* him...

Still trying to get back on track

It's Tuesday - and it's freezing cold! I just couldn't walk to work in the morning, it was -26c and -34 with windchill!

I did walk/ran to my dentist appointment at lunch, so maybe I can count that towards my morning walk. And I think I'll be brave and walk home tonight * gasp *

So that's what I've been doing lately - I didn't buy a bus bass for March and all last week I walked to and from work. That's 6.6k and takes about 35min walking each way. I don't look at this as a replacement to the gym workouts, rather, a supplement to my cardio. I still do weights three to four times a week. It's just that I find that when I spend a lot of time at the gym, I loose my motivation.

It's finally getting easier to get up at 5:50am in the morning. And the daylight saving time starts this sunday...**doh***