Evil chocolate

Evil, evil, delicious chocolate!

We got a box of Godiva chocolates and truffles, as well as a box of delicious handmade truffles... I'm trying to be as strong as I can... but I already had four today! I don't care for anything else - nuts, cookies, candy, but I can't resist a good quality chocolate. I'm glad tomorrow is Friday, at least!

I went to the gym at lunch with my co-worker today, and had a killer workout, as usual. I got asked by a couple of girls there if I was a trainer (lol), they said they were impressed by our routine, and then we saw them copying our moves :) Maybe I should leave graphic design, and go to school to become a personal trainer!

Gingerbread overload

Oh, man. It's starting!

I wanted to give some gingerbread men cookies to my co-workers as Christmas gifts. I bought some cute cookie cutters... I bought the mix, and butter... and then it went downhill. I must've had ten of those cookies between the hours of three in the afternoon and nine at night.

And I had a baby-scoop ice cream today. Just for the hell of it.

That's all I gotta say.

So close

I don't want to jinx it, but I feel so on top of my exercise and eating right now!

I figured out a way, or an arrangement, rather, that allows me to exercise every weekday! And I don't even have to think about it, or talk myself into going... I'm so exited, since it really works - I've been doing it for over a month! What is it? Lunch workouts!

Of course, I'm very lucky to work at a place that let's me take an hour workout lunch, and then come back, and actually eat after. And, in addition, my boss paid for a three month membership to the community center that is right next door! It's a crappy, smelly, cheap place, sure... but, I get to workout every day, and it doesn't cost me anything! It's perfect.

And I feel so close to actually reaching my weight goals! I do a lot of weight training, well, actually hight-intensity circuit workouts with weights, and I have a lot of fun. Since winter is here, and I really don't want to buy additional running gear in order to run in this cold and snow, the gym workouts were my best alternative.

I'm also really lucky that my co-worker comes with me for the lunch workouts, and actually lets me 'train' her... :) I think I found my other calling in life, seriously, I love it! I research and make up different routines for us, keep it interesting and challenging... I think if I went alone, I wouldn't be as motivated to work as hard.... I think I would feel awkward to do all the things that we usually do by myself (like jumping over the bench, doing step ups to no music... I don't know, maybe it's just me... I'm sure other people in the gym don't really care what I do, but I'm always afraid to look like an idiot... LOL).

oh, and I started another blog... this one is about another obsession of mine, having a baby. And since it's a whole other thing that I deal with, I decided to separate the two, but, if you're interested it's

wishingbee.wordpress.com

a year wiser

yep, it has happened... I turned a year older two days ago. I wasn't really sad, it was a pretty good day, actually...

I used to get all worked up about birthdays, I had these expectations of getting surprised and feeling special, and then when it would come, I'd be disappointed. I think this silliness was left over from my childhood days, when your birthday was very very important. This year, I didn't even think about it at all, didn't plan anything, didn't expect anything - and it was awesome! Maybe I'm growing up... **gasp**

I was really touched by all the gifts that I got - I've received things that showed that the person really thought of what to get you - and that includes the gift from my husband! Since the beginning of summer I kept saying that I need a pedicure really badly (not to him, just to myself), and I really don't want to spend the money... so he got me a gift certificate for a mani/pedi at this spa! I know that for some people it wouldn't be much of a treat, but since I rarely get my nails done, this is major for me... :)

To weigh or not to weigh

That is the question.

I've been doing pretty good so far (well, I think so anyways, the scale might have a different opinion). While I was on my two-week vacation I worked out, ate reasonably well, and I THINK I actually lost weight when I came back!

I say "think", is because me and my scale haven't been friends for a while. Currently it resides in the bathroom cabinet, and I'm sure is pretty dusty, since I haven't stepped on it in a long long time.

I get really hung up on the numbers. I seem to use them as motivation to eat! Funny, isn't it? If I have a good number, I think that I can "afford" to have a treat, if the number is bad, I say "screw it, it's all lost anyhow" and I eat.

So now I had been running consistently, and think I should weigh myself once a week as a motivation to continue being "good" with exercise and food...

*sigh* what to do... what to do??

running and biking

This was basically my weekend - biking and running.

On Saturday my DH and I went on a two hour bike ride on the pathways. The weather was lovely, which was a bonus. Although my legs hurt like hell, because I was trying to keep up with him (unsuccessfully, I might add).

And on Sunday I had my long run with the RR - 9k (plus the 3k walk there and 3k run back home). I did much better than I thought I would've, considering the aching muscles. Of course, today I hurt all over, but that's another story. While I was getting dressed for my run on Sunday morning, I pulled the muscle in my neck!!! How do you do that???

Well, there was no way I was going to miss my run (since I haven't done a long run in almost three weeks), so I sucked it up, and on my way there it occurred to me to buy some A.dvil (luckily I had some money), because by that time my head was beginning to hurt because of the pinched muscle in my neck. Anyways, I got some drugs in me as well as a shot of espresso, and I got through it, and actually enjoyed the run! yay! :)

and now I'm off...

My vacations starts tomorrow!! big yay for me!!
It's almost two and a half weeks long. So so so exited!

Here's my plan on how to control my weight during the vacation:

1. I'm bringing snacks with me. I don't care what everyone else thinks, I feel safe when I know I have food available to me whenever the hunger strikes. It works.

2. Water. Lots of water. Problem - will have to find bathrooms.

3. Journal. (says the girl who doesn't journal regularly while she's home...) All I'm saying, I'll try. It's a plan, at least. I'm not going to count, just write down whatever I eat (because sometimes you forget that you ate!).

4. Try to fit in exercise (a run, at best) whenever I can. I'm bringing my running gear with me (again, I don't care if my family laughs at me), and will try to do at least two long runs a week, or some short ones, we'll see... oh, and I don't care if it rains, I'm running, and that's that.

so that's the plan. Will report back in two and a half weeks time.

ta-ta!

hardcore running

How do you know that you're hardcore runner?

When a bug flies into your mouth, and you swallow it without even blinking, and continue running, 'cause nothing can stop you! :) lol

Yeah... I had an awsome run on Saturday. And tomorrow my 1/2 marathon clinic starts - so exited!

Riding in the sun.

Yesterday I had the longest bike ride in my life - 3.5 hours! 25k baby! Woohhoo!

We are lucky to live in a city with so many trails and paths (which we haven't really explored yet). My DH's friend suggested we go check out the "beaches" along the Rideau river (I say "beaches" because to me a beach has white sand and beautiful, warm, tropical turquoise water... ahh how I love Cuba... this was not it... but, I digress). The ride, was, nevertheless, beautiful, since the path runs alongside the riverbank.

And I love water. Any water. I love to sit by a river, a fountain, by the sea. So, to ride my bike on a sunny day, overlooking the river (with my iP.od, of course, playing my favourite tunes...) was - pure heaven.

:)

p.s. my ass hurts today.

Oh the mind games!

Here's a trick that could/will help me resist my cravings (and I have those often!.... mmm... chocolate... must... concentrate...). Anyway.

I did this today, and was totally surprised that it worked! So, here's a common situation with me: I just finished a meal, I'm satisfied, but I want something sweet. And nothing can really stop me (today this feeling hit me after breakfast!), unless we just don't HAVE anything, but usually there's at least a little jar of jam in the fridge.

So, what I did, was I acknowledge the craving, I thought "Yes, I want something sweet.", I stoped (I was already conveniently located in the kitchen), took a deep breath, had a sip of water and turned around, grabbed my bag and walked out the door. The trick is not to engage.

You see, my mind is like a teenager - always confrontational and constantly talking back. Maybe the key is to listen, acknowledge, but not act on the urge. It's not easy to do, the least I can do is try.

So... updates

-> drinking TONS of water - check!
-> going to the gym four times a week - check!
-> walking to and from work - check!
-> working out at lunch two time a week - check!
-> signing up to run a half-marathon (clinic) - check!
-> getting a bike AND roller-blades for hubby, so we can go together - check!
-> getting an assesment from a psychologist, and finding out I don't have an eating disorder - check!
-> not weighing myself and not knowing what my weight is - check!

-> realizing I am LIVING a healthy lifestyle - PRICELESS!!! :)

(sorry, couldn't help myself!)

Of course, I'm not perfect... and everyday is still a struggle (why is chocolate so irresistible??), but I'm trying to concentrate on the positives.

I'm thankfull it's summer and there are so many fun things I can do, instead of being stuck in the gym! I've started running more (my half-marathon clinic starts in two weeks!), and I've taken my bike out for a ride for the first time since last summer! I am going away on my vacation for two weeks, and that makes me a bit anxious... but I'll prepare mentally as well as I can, and will hope for the best!

I love books.

It's true. But not only do I love to read them, I love to buy them too! There's nothing like a new, crisp book, with a nicely designed cover and lots of white space inside (I can't help the designer in me!). Here's a list I found in another blog, and I'm posting it here, more for my own reference, then anything else, really.

(x) - I've read it
(?) - haven't heard about this book, not sure if I want to read it or not, might consider it later
(-) - not really interested in reading it
(*) - want to read it

(?) 1. The Da Vinci Code (Dan Brown) I've started it, but found to be too much like Angels & Deamons... :(
(-) 2. Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)
(*) 3. To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee)
(?) 4. Gone With The Wind (Margaret Mitchell)
(?) 5. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (Tolkien)
(x) 6. The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkien)
(x) 7. The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers (Tolkien)
(?) 8. Anne of Green Gables (L.M. Montgomery)
(?) 9. Outlander (Diana Gabaldon)
(x) 10. A Fine Balance (Rohinton Mistry)
(-) 11. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Rowling)
(x) 12. Angels and Demons (Dan Brown)
(-) 13. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Rowling)
(?) 14. A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving)
(x) 15. Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden)
(-) 16. Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (Rowling)
(*) 17. Fall on Your Knees (Ann-Marie MacDonald)
(?) 18. The Stand (Stephen King)
(-) 19. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (Rowling)
(?) 20. Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)
(-) 21. The Hobbit (Tolkien)
(x) 22. The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger)
(*) 23. Little Women (Louisa May Alcott)
(x) 24. The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold)
(?) 25. Life of Pi (Yann Martel)
(-) 26. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
(?) 27. Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)
(x) 28. The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe (C. S. Lewis)
(?) 29. East of Eden (John Steinbeck)
(?) 30. Tuesdays with Morrie (Mitch Albom)
(?) 31. Dune (Frank Herbert)
(?) 32. The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks)
(?) 33. Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand)
(?) 34. 1984 (Orwell)
(?) 35. The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley)
(?) 36. The Pillars of the Earth (Ken Follett)
(?) 37. The Power of One (Bryce Courtenay)
(x) 38. I Know This Much is True (Wally Lamb) looooved it
(?) 39. The Red Tent (Anita Diamant)
(?) 40. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)
(?) 41. The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel)
(*) 42. The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)
(-) 43. Confessions of a Shopaholic (Sophie Kinsella)
(x) 44. The Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom)
(-) 45. Bible
(*) 46. Anna Karenina (Tolstoy) will read in Russian
(*) 47. The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas)
(x) 48. Angela’s Ashes (Frank McCourt)
(?) 49. The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck)
(x) 50. She’s Come Undone (Wally Lamb) looooved it
(-) 51. The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)
(x) 52. A Tale of Two Cities (Dickens)
(?) 53. Ender’s Game (Orson Scott Card)
(?) 54. Great Expectations (Dickens)
(x) 55. The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald)
(?) 56. The Stone Angel (Margaret Laurence)
(-) 57. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Rowling)
(x) 58. The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough) read it in Russian, when I was a teenager, loved it
(-) 59. The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood)
(x) 60. The Time Traveller’s Wife (Audrew Niffenegger)
(?) 61. Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky) tried to read it (in Russian), the language was quite complicated, will try again
(?) 62. The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand)
(?) 63. War and Peace (Tolstoy) will read it, at some point...
(?) 64. Interview With The Vampire (Anne Rice)
(?) 65. Fifth Business (Robertson Davis)
(x) 66. One Hundred Years Of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez) I've suffered through it...
(-) 67. The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants (Ann Brashares)
(?) 68. Catch-22 (Joseph Heller)
(x) 69. Les Miserables (Hugo)
(x) 70. The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)
(-) 71. Bridget Jones’ Diary (Fielding)
(*) 72. Love in the Time of Cholera (Marquez)
(?) 73. Shogun (James Clavell)
(-) 74. The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje)
(?) 75. The Secret Garden (Frances Hodgson Burnett)
(?) 76. The Summer Tree (Guy Gavriel Kay)
(?) 77. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Betty Smith)
(?) 78. The World According To Garp (John Irving)
(?) 79. The Diviners (Margaret Laurence)
(-) 80. Charlotte’s Web (E.B. White)
(?) 81. Not Wanted On The Voyage (Timothy Findley)
(?) 82. Of Mice And Men (Steinbeck)
(?) 83. Rebecca (Daphne DuMaurier)
(?) 84. Wizard’s First Rule (Terry Goodkind)
(-) 85. Emma (Jane Austen)
(?) 86. Watership Down(Richard Adams)
(*) 87. Brave New World (Aldous Huxley)
(?) 88. The Stone Diaries (Carol Shields)
(?) 89. Blindness (Jose Saramago)
(?) 90. Kane and Abel (Jeffrey Archer)
(?) 91. In The Skin Of A Lion (Ondaatje)
(-) 92. Lord of the Flies (Golding)
(x) 93. The Good Earth (Pearl S. Buck)
(?) 94. The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd)
(?) 95. The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum)
(?) 96. The Outsiders (S.E. Hinton)
(?) 97. White Oleander (Janet Fitch)
(?) 98. A Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford)
(?) 99. The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield)
(?) 100. Ulysses (James Joyce)

And here are some other books I've read and loved:
"Children of Men" P.D. James
"Snow Flower and the Secret Fan" Lisa See
"The Lovely Bones" Alice Sebold
"The Memory Keeper's Daughter" Kim Edwards
"What the Body Remembers" Shauna Singh Baldwin

If you've read a book (that I haven't mentioned) and absolutely loved it, please leave me a comment! I'm always looking for new book ideas!

*edited to add:
Thanks Randi for your comment and suggestions!
Most of the books that I've marked here as "read", I've loved. The most recent ones that I've read and really liked are the two books by Wally Lamb (I Know This Much is True and She's Come Undone). Also, "Children of Men" had made quite an impression on me (I've read it a couple of years ago, way before the movie came out, which I didn't like, by the way).

I'm so addicted!

I'm so addicted to stupid F.acebook! I hate it and I love it.

On the one hand, it really reminds me of high-school days, with 'popular' and 'not popular' people, and what-not. (I really can't say that I was 'popular', I'm really really shy, and thus, didn't have a ton of friends). And I'm proud to say that I have only real friends in my "friends" list (I'm all about the quality, not the quantity). So I couldn't care less that some people have over 100 people listed as "friends".

On the other hand, it's a great tool to keep up with the friends you actually want to stay in touch with. It's much better than email, because sometimes you just don't really have anything worth writting about... but on face.book you can just drop a couple of lines, or comment on something - and you're in touch! In that way, it's pretty great.

Of course, I kind of feel guilty turning down friends request of people I don't know, and couldn't care less about... I just know they are adding me as a 'friend' for the numbers... :(

I'm back.

It's been a while since my last post. I got caught up in life... but I'm back!

Overall I'm doing okay. Since the weather got warmer, I'm feeling more energetic, optemistic, even. I've been walking to and from work for over two months now, and I love it. I use that time to think, or not... (lol, depends on the day), and I get a 6.6k walk.

I'm still struggling with the journal. I don't get it, why is it so hard? Well, I know why - at the end of the day I have to be accountable for what I eat... and that's the whole point. Traking the food that I eat during the day is not a problem, it's traking the food that I eat before/after dinner that gives me trouble, so I just avoid the journal like the plague.

But, with the nice weather, and my DH being back from his two week trip, my life is coming to order. I really need my routine to function well. I've started going to the gym in the morinings (and I walk, instead of taking the bus).

I don't want to think about it too much, but I am going on this trip in ten weeks. A trip that I've been waiting to go on for eleven years. Our family will go visit my father's parents in Latvia for a week, and then we'll go to Ukraine to visit the city in which I grew up.

To sum it up - I think it's going to be emotional trip. A trip to the past. I will get to see family and relatives that I had seen when I was very young, or had never seen in my life. We will go and visit my maternal grandfarther's grave (my grandma just died this last August, and she's buried here, so I know I'll be sad that they're not together in death). I will go back to see the house where we lived, where I went to school.

I came to Canada when I was fourteen, and I was homesick for quite a while, after the initial excitement wore off. And now I'm going back, but I'm such a different person. The biggest thing I fear is that I will be disappointed. I bet things have changed, the city has aged, the friends I knew had grown up. But I have to do it. I have to let go of the past, because in my mind it's all the same as I'd left it.

Oh, and of course, now I'm trying not to get stressed out and fall into the "I-have-to-loose-weight-now-I-have-ten-weeks" trap. Although some things never change... :)

This must be it!

In the last session with my support group on Wednesday I did have a couple of "light bulb moments". Some of the things seem like an obvious kind of thing, which you never think about...

For instance, I never made the connection between body dissatisfaction and self-esteem issues. Hm.. seems like an obvious kind of thing, but I never thought that it applies to me. Here's the paragraph from the handouts that made it clear for me:

"Many people take some degree of body dissatisfaction in stride, so it doesn't have a major impact on their lives. For people with an eating.disorder, it is a different story. Feeling badly about your body plays a central role in your life and crowds out other interests and activities. Why is body image much more important to some people than it is to others? One big factor to determining the importance of your body image, as you have probably guessed, is your self-esteem. If you feel good or worthwhile about yourself overall, you will be less concerned with negative feelings that you may have about your body because your body does not define who you are as a person."

This makes so much sense to me! I've always suspected that the obsession that I have with loosing weight is not how all people deal with their dissatisfaction of their body. I have some friends that are overweight, but are very confident in themselves, and never talk about 'dieting', or weight-related issues, even though they are much more overweight than I am. And I don't think of them less because of their weight, but somehow I do that towards myself.

It is really hard to admit that you have self-esteem issues. It is especially hard to explain to your significant other, since they see you totally differently. That's why I'm glad I'm going somewhere else to talk about these issues, because I don't want to talk about this with my DH (of course I'm affraid that he will see me differently then too... I know, it's probably silly).

They also say that feeling badly about your body or wanting to lose weight is usually never just about your body, there are probably other issues involved. The challenge, of course, is to figure out what they are... As our councilor said, for someone who was, for example, abused. as a child, focusing on their body could be a way that they are dealing with it. But, for me, I don't see any major traumas that I had... although, I never really looked close at the past... that is why I need someone to help me to figure out what influenced my behaviour, and what I will work for me to fix it.

I have to say, all of my family members that know that I've started doing this therapy thing think that I don't have a problem, and I shouldn't be doing this. But I think I should, since I'm recognizing a lot of things that are talked about in the support group... and there are so many things to think about! I bought a brand new journal to record my feelings/thoughts, so hopefully that will help me as well.

It's raining... yay!

No, I'm not actually happy about the rain per se, but I'm happy it's getting warmer and I can smell the spring in the air! (any other time I actually hate rain).

So I've been feeling quite happy lately. You know, the kind of quiet 'happy' feeling, when you're just smiling to yourself, and everything in your life is going okay... Like on Monday I've tried to "throw" a pot (a funny expression in ceramics world used for building a pot using the wheel... you know, like in the movie "Ghost"?). I've made two small bowls, and it was hard, but rewarding. I don't know why, but I felt so good afterwards. Like I've acomplished something important (it was my first time, mind you).

It must be spring.

Although getting up in the morning is a bit of a challenge since the time change on Sunday, but I've been doing great so far. I've made it to the gym on Monday and today, and I've walked everyday to work.

I've decided not to weigh myself anymore. It just sets of the cycle of "oh, I'm doing so good I can't screw it up now," and "oh crap, now I've scewed up!". I'm trying to just feel and look. And feel good about myself. It's hard; getting on the scale was so much easier. But I will not let it control my self-worth anymore. I keep telling myself - if I do some physical activity every day, my four days a week of weights, and eat as well as I can - it cannot get that bad!

I also find the support group (eating disorders) quite helpfull. I feel that my feelings towards food are valid, the love and hate relationship and such... I'm not the only one. I can talk about my weird ways without people judging me. I know that I don't have a full-blown e.d., but it's not a competition of who's sicker... lol I actually find the meetings to be quite similar to meetings at WW, only we talk much more in depth about our feelings towards food, coping strategies and really trying to understand why we eat the way we eat. I know "how" to eat healthy, but it's the will that's lacking sometimes. I need to understand why. Why does a seemingly rational and healthy eater continue to eat after they are full? Questions like this I need the answers to.

So all in all, I'm doing okay. :)

Singles?

I'm talking about chocolate of course... what else? Lately there seems to be an abundance of chocolate bars in a"single" serving format that is usually about 100cal.

The conclusion that I came to today - don't buy the pack, it's not worth it! After eating three (3!) Kit-kat singles, I'm vowing not to buy anymore packs of these. What works for me is going to the convenience store and buying ONE. I'm not great at controlling myself when it comes to food (well, obviously...), especially chocolate.

Lesson learned.

Happy 8th of March!

To all the women in the blogosphere!

If you don't know - it's International Women's Day. As always, I'm surprised that many people in Canada don't celebrate it, and even don't know about it.

It's a very big holiday in Eastern Europe. I remember when I was little, I used to always make a card for my Mom, and my Dad would give a little something (like a flower) to me and my sister. That's a customary gift - flowers and a card.

On my purse this morning I found a card from my DH. So thoughtful, I *heart* him...

Still trying to get back on track

It's Tuesday - and it's freezing cold! I just couldn't walk to work in the morning, it was -26c and -34 with windchill!

I did walk/ran to my dentist appointment at lunch, so maybe I can count that towards my morning walk. And I think I'll be brave and walk home tonight * gasp *

So that's what I've been doing lately - I didn't buy a bus bass for March and all last week I walked to and from work. That's 6.6k and takes about 35min walking each way. I don't look at this as a replacement to the gym workouts, rather, a supplement to my cardio. I still do weights three to four times a week. It's just that I find that when I spend a lot of time at the gym, I loose my motivation.

It's finally getting easier to get up at 5:50am in the morning. And the daylight saving time starts this sunday...**doh***

Motivation - lacking!

I don't know what's wrong with me. Honestly. I just can't get out of bed in the morning - and this is the girl that went to the gym at six in the morning five days a week a month ago!

I just can't pin point what it is. I wake up, I know I should go, I get stuff ready, like my lunch and my gym bag, I sometimes even get up, but then decide that I'm too sleepy, and just go back to bed!

I tried going to sleep earlier - nine thirty is the usual time now, but I just can't get enough sleep! I know that in the winter I have less energy (especially when it's dark and cold), but what I don't understand is how I did this before! I really want to go, but when the alarm goes off - I just can't!

Here's what I'm trying to do while I'm having this "off" streak: I'm not buying a bus pass for March. I'm going to walk to and from work (that's 6.6k altogether). I will do weights four times a week (at night, if I have to). And hope that this works. Am I tired of my routine? Maybe. So, maybe this variation will help me a bit.

Previously, I worked out 5-6 times a week, for an hour and a half. Then I went to Toronto for the weekend, and woke up sick on Monday. Was really sick for a week, and kind of sick the next week. And here I am, all better, but can't get up in the morning! I know I have to get back into the routine, and I'm trying really really hard...

This is funny - at lunch today, I went out and bought some "winnie-the-pooh" stickers. So, for the days that I'm "good" (that is, I had worked out, and was good with my eating) I get a sticker on my calendar that's on my desk. LOL oh the tactics I have to resort to... :)

"eating concerns"

Last night I've attended a meeting (support group) for people with "eating concerns". I think they use that term so that people with all kinds of eating disorders can be included, not necessarily bulimia/anorexia. Maybe that played a role in my desicion to go...

I haven't been diagnosed with an eating disorder (ED) per se, but I feel that my relationship with food is not a healthy one, and I would like to fix that, if at all possible. This is my first attempt to do something about it.

I realized that I'm running in circles - I eat/binge sometimes, than go on a strict and intense exercise regime, than get tired of it, don't do anything, feel guilty, and start over.

My DH is concerned with me going to the group, because I think he thinks I'll "get ideas". LOL
He doesn't think that I need "help", but for his sake as well as mine, I think I should try and sort this out.

I recognize that there are people that are "sicker" than me. And maybe I don't have a full-blown ED, but that doesn't mean that I should sit and wait until it "gets somewhere". (he never said that, that's just my reasoning).

So I'm looking for a therapist right now. My insurance covers up to $1000 per year, so that should get me some sessions. I'm looking forward to it. Yesterday I felt like I could share my feelings about food, and the people in the group really understood what I was talking about, and I know what they meant as well. Like one girl said that she used to obsess about getting her breakfast "right", and having anxiety about eating something different for breakfast.

I really think that I might fix this obsession of mine... I don't think there's any harm in trying.

It's 'heart' day!

To be quite honest, I actually forgot! I was so preoccupied with my hurting throat in the morning, that I forgot to sign and give my card to DH. Although, I think he didn't remember either :). Oh well, it's okay, since we are 'officially' celebrating this weekend - we are going to Montreal for a romantic two-day getaway.

As for working out and food, I'm not doing so great... I hadn't worked out for a third day in a row. Today is not looking great either. Hopefully this is just a temporary laps in motivation. I know that being sick is not an excuse (well, I'm not terribly sick, really), but the yucky weather, and my lack of energy really add up. I'll be good next week, I promise!

Monday.

And that means only four more days until Friday! And then I go to Toronto! I will see my parents, my sister and my friends! yay! (can you tell that I'm excited?).

It's a very cold day today, here in Ottawa. The weekend wasn't too bad, we even went to see the ice sculptures and the canal. We didn't skate - it was way too crowded, and the ice was rough, and I was so cold after an hour of walking around that I was really glad that we didn't even try to skate! (oh, and you should know that I'm not a great skater, so I see people and bumps in the ice as great obsticles... LOL).

In terms of eating... it was reasonable. That's all I have to say. I did go to the gym on Saturday, while DH was sleeping, and then I had my "newspaper reading" time. So that was nice. Sunday I was busy cooking and cleaning, so somehow the exercise just didn't happen (so much for my laudry/exercise theory).

I'm trying take it easy, meaning, not being too hard on myself when I eat something I shouldn't/don't need to eat. I exercise at least five days a week, seven on a good week. Drink tons of water. I don't want to get into the mind-set of "I have to loose weight by this or that time". As my DH says, as much as those couple of pounds lsot mean to me, people can't see that much difference in me (now that I think of it, that could be a bad thing, no?). For examle, when I went back to Toronto at Christmas, I had lost five pounds since last time everyone had seen me (my body fat % went down too), and no one even said anything! Now, I know I shouldn't be doing this for anyone else, and I'm not, but maybe he is right, maybe a lot of it is in my head... hm.. I have to think about that...

oh how I hate winter...

I'm in a such "mopey" (is that a word?) mood lately! And all these depressing posts... *sigh* I'm not doing much better today - I feel a headache coming on and I'm mad, because it always happens when I have lots of things to do at work, and I'm stressed, even slightly. (Can you tell I'm a procrastinator also? I'd doing this instead of work!).

I did go to the gym this morning - did half-hour of weights, and an hour of low-intensity cardio. At least it's Friday (part of the reason I don't feel like working).

I'm still trying to work out a routine that works for me (so it's not mentally and phisically hard to keep up with the exercise). So far I came to a conclusion that if I go in the mornings (the optimal time, hands down), then I need a break on Thursday. Then I can go Friday morning again. I'm still struggling with the weekend though. On Saturday I like to put on my comfy robe, make breakfast and read the paper for a looong while... but then I feel guilty about not going to the gym. If I go to the gym first, the whole "lounging" experience is just not the same! Sundays are easier, they are my laundry/long workout days. I do put the task off sometimes to the evening, but I always have to do laundry, so I end up going to the exercise room. Anyways, we'll see how it goes this weekend, I might HAVE to make a deal with myself that if I do the whole breakfast routine, then I go for a half-hour on the treadmill in the evening. (It's just mentally easier to take than an hour). We'll see... so, here's to a great weekend with no guilt!

Crrrap!

I can't stop eating! For two f**g weeks already! Last week was TOM so I could justify it, but this week... well, there's no excuse! Although it happens to me all the time when I go off schedule, so I shouldn't be that surprized... *sigh*

I'm going to weigh myself on Monday, but I don't want to give up on the rest of this week! I haven't been eating too much of "bad" food, just a lot of food! I had been working out, so it might not show on the scale (I hope!).

And I'm just in such a crappy state overall, I don't know how to shake it off. I have this cold that's lingering over me for weeks now - I'm not "officially" sick, though, just can't breath and my throat starting to hurt a little yesterday, and my lower back also hurt today (WTF?). Yuck! Don't I sound like an eighty-year-old lady? LOL

Next weekend I'm going to Toronto to celebrate my mom's and sister's b-day, so that should be fun (I love going back there!), and then me and my hubby are going to Montreal the next weekend for a romantic getaway! so I really really don't want to be sick! Ginger tea - hear I come!

Pay it forward...

My monday started off awesome! I went to Starbucks to get an espresso (I was extra sleepy today), just as I ordered I looked in my wallet and realized that I didn't have any cash... so just as I wanted to say 'I'll have to use debit' the guy behind me says 'take what you need' as he offers me a hand full of change, and then he says 'it's just change...' I was so surprised! And then I thanked him, like, five or ten times... :)

I really don't expect people to be nice (that's what working in customer service for seven years will do to you!), that's why this was extra special... Now I feel like I want to be extra nice to someone I don't know... and I actually have a person in mind! (well, okay, someone that has contacted me, but I don't know them).

On the eating front - still struggling. I'll weigh myself next week, but for now I want to get into a routine with my workouts, so, one step at a time. Also, I really want uncover the true reasons of why I eat non-stop sometimes (it's healthy stuff, but the pattern of eating is not normal, more like a binge, really...). Why can't I stop when I'm full? Why do I eat when I'm nervous or anxious or bored? I know that a large part of my life revolves around found, so I'm working on that as well (i.e. my wedding scrapbook, and my ceramics classes).

It's Friiidaayy!!

Yes. It's Friday. I had a pretty good workout at the gym today - I try to push myself hard with the weights (I did 30min.), and I did a slow run for 50min. on the treadmill. When I was with my trainer she said I should do 60min. walking for cardio, which I was doing for about two months now, and I feel like I need a challenge. I think I want to do a 10k run clinic again this spring (with the RunningRoom), so I'm thinking if I incorporate a few long steady runs in my weekly routine, that should prepare me nicely.

I also notice a lot more new people at the gym. We'll see how long they'll last :) - I'm not being mean... I'm just interested... Not a lot of people come out to workout at 6:30 a.m., so you get to know the regulars. And I'm impressed that the newbies had come out that early. I know it's a struggle for me if I take a break from my routine - it has nothing to do with the motivation to go workout, it's just takes some getting used to get out of bed that early.

And in further efforts to establish a weekly (and complete) routine for myself, I've decided that Fridays are my treat days. :) Yay! What I've done this week - I've planned out the meals (dinners) for the week before we bought the groceries, and was very proud of myself for sticking with it. I like to cook, and most of the time I buy the basics, and then imporvise the dinner once I come home. I was really happy with the recipies that I picked for last week, all were very good (from WW cookbook). They were - spicy meatloaf, barley chicken, chicken with feta sauce, honey-mustard pork chops and I'm thinking of doing a ww-friendly sheppard's pie. But back to today's treat - since I brought my lunch to work every day of the week, I'm buying one today - I'm going for sushi. And, as an extra treat, I'm buying the fat-free organic yogourt (plain) and a pack of bluberries, and having that for desert (no sweetner! big step for me). I tried that yesterday and it was so yummy!

Oh yes, and I'm happy to report that I've been coffee and sweetner free for four days now! And I haven't had any alcohol since Christmas. I belive my last "bad habit" that I can improve on is my chocolate addiction... :(. I'm hoping to at least keep it under control. But I found that the less sugar I have (like from fruit - I don't take sugar in it's natural form :)) the less I crave sweets. So that may be an answer for me.

I love clay!

I realized that I forgot to mention the ceramics class that I've started on Monday! I had a blast! It's been a while since I've been in a classroom setting (mmm... about two years), and really long time since I had an art class (around seven).

It felt so good to get my hands (and other parts LOL) dirty. Also, it makes my Monday a little bit easier to handle - you know, it being the beginning of the week, and everything...

I've also started my wedding scrapbook - finally! It has been almost eight months! ***omg! I can't believe that I've been a married woman for eight months! *** I've edited all of the images the way I wanted to, and got them printed. While I was doing that I was thinking that I felt lucky that I could fix up all the little things I was unhappy with (like unflattering shadows, some wrinkles, not mine, obviously, glistening on faces from the flash, and so on). And I feel bad for those people who can't do that and have to look at the pictures and wish this and that was different. Needless to say, it was a lot of work, but everything had to be perfect. And I don't want to rush with the scrapbook either.

So how is this related to weight-loss? Well, I'm trying to find things that I can do that don't involve my weight. I'm spending waaaayy too much time thinking about food, and either at the gym, or thinking I should go to the gym (although I had been pretty good in that department, lately).

I also would like to try boxing. Not to train professionally, :) but as a workout option. Anyone know good places in Ottawa?

Committment

Well, it's been a while since I posted... lots of things happened - my trip to Toronto, two Christmas dinners and New Year's dinner. I'm happy to report my weight remained the same - trust me, that's an accomplishment! :)

So, now that we're well into 2007, I'm sticking to my committment of maintaining a healthy lifestyle. I'm no longer working towards a certain goal - no WW weigh-ins, no more personal trainer weigh-ins. Just me, treating my body like a temple (I didn't come up with that one! LOL), eating healthy and working out. Well, I should correct myself - I AM working towards a goal - to be healthy and happy by monitoring what I eat and working out - but I do not have to be a certain weight by certain time. I find that when I give myself a 'deadline' I get motivated at first, and then I throw in the towel right before the end - it's so weird! seems unproductive, right? And since I'm at a healthy BMI, and my trainer has confirmed that being in low 140's is okay for me, I'm going to focus on weight training and being OP (I'm still journaling and following WW).

One more goal, though - in keeping with my new and improved healthy lifestyle **drum roll please** - I'm giving up sweetners, and all things sweetned with artificial sweetners. And since I drink my daily cup of coffee with a sweetner, I'm giving that up too. I decided that I do not want to put chemicals in my body. Period. (You're probably thinking - there must be some hidden reason for this, there must be! why would a girl that was using sweetners for years give them up now! .... well, okay, I do have one more tiny additional reason apart from wanting to be healthy - I want to have a baby within the next couple of years, so I want my body to be as clean as possible.... there! I've said it!).

So - here's to a healthy 2007! ***i'm drinking water as i write*** :)